Avoiding pinkeye on a work trip

+ other sexy and useful tips.

Whilst traveling, my neuroses don’t just come out to play, they put on a debutante ball.

(Remind me to use the above sentence as my intro when I finally get approached for Real Housewives of Northern California’s Bay Area Region (RHONCBAR).)

It’s true, I have been traveling for most of January. This month I have been looking at menus ahead of time, shoving toilet paper into hotel room peep-holes, and fine-tuning the bass on my white noise app to perfection. I have tried to levitate my body from unfamiliar shower floors by walking on only my big toe and my heel as if that is somehow going to prevent athlete’s foot. Nary a crusty white hotel towel dared touch my face because I am using Clean Skin Club Clean Towels XL Travel, 3 Pack USDA Certified 100‪%‬ Biobased Dermatologist Approved Disposable Face Towelette, Facial Washcloth, Makeup Remover Dry Wipes, Ultra Soft, 30CT. I have assumed my imminent death because there was a man who was alone who said an unprompted sentence to me. I don’t care if he was asking me if I was done with my meal!!

I have been debating about whether or not I let this sound like I casually flit around the country as I please or admit that some of it was for work, but some of it was, and I am here to assert that work trips are kind of bonkers.

Think about it!!

It’s an adult field trip where a corporate entity is like 70% responsible for you. You’re allowed to drink in front of people who mayyybe you’ve anonymously given “feedback” to HR about. You can expense any kind of meal that you want with your per diem, but please ready yourself for the pang of shame as you scan the receipts for back-to-back Jack in the Box breakfasts. At group dinners, everyone is overanalyzing their choice of alcohol while counting down the minutes until we can all have our weed gummies in our hotel rooms and watch 4 consecutive episodes of Ridiculousness in PEACE. If you do not get to go on the work trip, you can bet your ass that you’re not going to be a part of the years-long-inside-joke between the coworkers that went (it will be so unfunny, that it’s best if you remain ignorant). If you do get to go on the work trip, you bet your ass you are going to miss out on being your true self for days at a time. It’d be the least convenient trip to die on for everyone directly and indirectly involved.

Work trips are hard because I am not sure if I will know what to eat for dinner if I can’t ask my husband “What do you want to do for dinner?” for the 2,920th night in a row.

Anyway. It has come to my attention that I may lose the attention of my readers unless I identify myself as an expert of something, an influencer, or a YT woman sharing culturally insensitive recipes. However, I argue that one could be all three things at once and still not have an audience as gorgeously dazzled as you are to read my drivel!

With that in mind, I decided that I would take it upon myself to degrade this essay into a listicle of recommendations for anyone who goes anywhere outside their own house for more than a night. So I present to you,

a listicle of recommendations for anyone who goes anywhere outside their own house for more than a night:

1. You may have seen this coming, but Clean Skin Club Clean Towels XL Travel, 3 Pack USDA Certified 100‪%‬ Biobased Dermatologist Approved Disposable Face Towelette, Facial Washcloth, Makeup Remover Dry Wipes, Ultra Soft, 30CT.

2. Ring Cleaner because you need to let those bitches KNOW.

3. MyNoise App. I like this one because it is free and you can fine-tune your white noise or listen to “Gregorian Voices”, both absolutely necessary options.

4. An assortment of cute little pouches in various sizes that tell you nothing about the contents inside of them, making them the worst for organizational purposes.

5. Extra (insert SSRI name) because if a flight is delayed for days or a catastrophe happens you can’t hit snooze on your mental illness. Trust me, I try every day!

6. Apple AirTag. This thing is NOT GOOD for my emotional state, but I use it. The peace of mind it should instill is automatically canceled by the panicked Apple notifications I get as soon as my body leaves its radius. What would I even do if I saw that my luggage wasn’t on the plane with me? Would I have the grace to quietly make a mental note to demand a travel voucher when I land or would I delay everyone’s flight demanding retribution until security drags me off?

   

7. Evian Spray. I put this in my carry-on EVERY TRIP and I forget to use it on EVERY TRIP. I feel like if this isn’t relatable to at least three of you, I haven’t found my target demographic readership yet (hot girls who are working on their credit card debt).

8. An emergency cigarette.

So there you go. If you have anything that you think this list should include, please think it in your head.

Love you, bye!