I want to get in a fight
with CVS and random internet strangers.
Quick note: It becomes increasingly harder to write anything funny or frivolous while we are watching 17,000+ children being orphaned in Gaza, so I want to start by urging all of my friends and readers to post and talk about the genocide currently being funded by our government. Please consider donating to UNICEF, Doctors Without Borders, anera, PCRF, or any other Gaza relief fund to assist the people of Gaza. Thank you for reading.
I hope this email doesn’t just find you, I hope it stumbles upon you in a very serendipitous kind of way and takes you on a six minute romp through the mind of a high-strung, teenaged woman and then when you are done, it sets you back down ever so gently where it found you and kisses you on the top of your head.
And then you say, “….what?” as it disappears with a tiny, zippy fart noise as you press archive or even, delete.
If it did not find you this way, you may be entitled to compensation.
Anyway.
Last week, on the way to my local purgatory training facility, CVS, I started ruminating on all the things I needed to do throughout the week to keep my human woman life, as it is, in motion and… oh my god?
Everything takes 4 hours to 4 months. Everything is $200 and 42 miles away.
Sometimes my brain feels like it was in a knife fight and then thrown into a bear trap set ablaze, so I have to go to the least civilized/most carpeted CVS in San Francisco and stand in line to pick up migraine medicine, but not before I am subjected to a two-day-long passive aggressive exchange with a nurse via the One Medical app about where the prescription came from. Surprise — it came from a One Medical doctor, who referred me to a special migraine doctor that I had to wait three months to see virtually and upon seeing them they asked the same questions and got the same answers as my first doctor so that they could tell the first doctor to prescribe me Rizatriptan which I then have to get in a car to or use my legs to pick up at the Consumer Value Store. Thats what CVS stands for, by the way, a name so asinine and uninspired that it is no wonder it’s where good moods and random produce go to die. It is also no wonder that another prescription that I often need to pick up from The Joy Crematorium is Xanax.
I do not know what is included in their benefits package, but it seems to be enough for all store managers of CVSes and Walgreens to act like they own 51% of the company to the terror of store employees and customers alike. The store manager of the now defunct Walgreens on Divisadero (near like, idk, Geary) was so obsessed with loss prevention that he literally chained all of the laundry detergents together as if the weight of them combined would be too great for a disenfranchised person to steal. This store is probably closed now because no one told him that it just made 8 jugs of Gain laundry detergent easier (& more satisfying & more fun) to walk off with.
Everything involves places I would rather not be and people I would rather not talk to. Everything involves patience, making choices, and/or solving the mental gymnastics about whether a door is push or pull. Since I am not rich enough to pay anyone to do the doing for me, I find myself often wanting to be told exactly what to do and what to buy. I am a consumer goods sub. Or maybe I am just a regular sub. I don’t know the rules!!
Back-asswards-ly, the main way I get this fix is by watching videos of what other people buy and do, especially women who I have little to nothing in common with. Shopping voyeurism soothes my lizard brain and takes me to a magical place where I don’t have to fuck around to find out. I watch other people do it, all from the comfort of the dent my ass has made in my sofa.
Kelly Grace Mae is a content creator that really does it for me. She gives true big sister vibes - I am not 100% aligned with everything she wears and buys and says, but because of her earnest monologues, I would probably fight someone on her behalf. I like watching her gab while she does her GRWM’s and puts her on her $60 foundation. I will let her tell me which brand makes the perfect white tank. When it comes to Kelly, I take what I want, press the heart button, and leave the rest. Thank you for your service, Kelly!
Kennedy aka cozy.games is another girlina whomst I found because of our shared love for cozy Nintendo games. She’s saccharinely sweet, but I am HOOKED on her hobby hoarding and love for Home Goods and autumnal decor. I want to protect her at all costs, but I can also see myself fighting her in a Starbucks parking lot, where I know I will find her as soon as PSL season begins.
Last but not least, I am obsessed with and afraid of Remy Solomon. Her monotone and deadpan voice is perfect for delivering her spot-on, matter-of-fact recommendations. Whether it is an affectation or not, she sounds like she could care less if I set myself on fire in front of her house, let alone take her advice, which is freeing and soothing. My favorites include the movies she’d recommend to Lana Del Rey, things to buy under $100, the things she thinks are cvnt series, and Richard Simmons workout videos ranked. No fighting here - I would 100% cry if she was mean to me.
Conversely, any man on TikTok who is recommending anything ever sounds like the ShamWow guy or they say such overblown things like, “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!” or “THIS WILL TURN YOUR LIFE UPSIDE DOWN,” but then it’s usually something I can or have believed and my life remains an an upright, amorphous riddle that only recreational drugs and/or lying naked on the floor can solve. I just want a cottage-core they/them to tell me how to make a “cozy salad” or for an upsettingly beautiful 19-year-old to tell me which Rhode lip balm flavor I’ll want to squirt into my mouth next.
I don’t know if I will ever live to see the day where I will be able to have (prescribed) controlled substances delivered directly to my doorstep, but who knows, maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy watching my CVS hauls comprised of Rizatriptan, cheap nail polish, and the latest Hershey’s Reese’s confectionary abomination. Maybe there are even a few of you who would want to fight me (lovingly) in a Starbucks parking lot.
Until then, I will complain on the internet from the safety and convenience of the ass-dent in my couch.
xoxoxo
